Man Attacks Toys “R” Us Shoppers With Lightsaber
The force was definitely strong at a Portland, Oregon Toys “R” Us this week. Holiday shopping is hard enough as it is with the crowds and aggressive mothers battling it out for the last PS3 game, but the shenanigans really started when some lunatic started terrorizing the store with a light saber. I know exactly what you’re thinking: this dude must have been fighting for the Dark Side. Surprisingly, you’re wrong and we have a police sergeant to thank for that. Sgt. Pete Simpson explains, “What I can tell you is it was a blue light saber. It was explained to me that it was the one favored by the Rebel Alliance.” The Jedi attack occurred Wednesday night when the man brandishing a light saber inside Toys “R” Us began swinging it at fellow customers. Of course, not being aware that they had agreed to a light saber battle, these customers became alarmed and promptly called the authorities. After assaulting at least 3 people inside the store with his saber (they’re all just lucky he chose a weapon that’s not as clumsy or random as a blaster), he headed out into the parking lot, which is where the police met him. While the color of the light saber has been identified, it is still unclear whether it was one of the cheapo plastic extending ones or the fancy replicas that light up and make noise.
Either way, the officers decided to skip the pepper spray and went straight for the tasers. I can offer a guess that this is probably due to their lack of training in how to properly handle a light saber wielding Jedi. The man was not intimidated by their simple weapons though, and instead, he squared off against the officers, or as he probably saw them– the Emperor’s troops. According to the officers’ report, the epic galactic battle shook down as follows, “Officers arrived and attempted to take the suspect into custody, but he continued to swing the light saber and was yelling incoherent statements. One officer was able to hit the man with his taser, but the suspect then broke the taser wire with his light saber- at which point, the officers grabbed him and wrestled him to the ground.” God, I hope one of the officers shouted, “You’re part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take him away!” The man, who has since been identified as 33-year-old David Canterbury, is facing charges of assault, disorderly conduct, theft, resisting arrest and interfering with a police officer. But, before he can be hauled of to space jail pending these charges, he is at a hospital receiving a full mental health evaluation.