Sad Day For House Music: Paris Hilton Featured In New House Track

Today my biggest fear came to life. Paris Hilton, the self-proclaimed “Queen of House Music,” who has clearly been dating DJ legend Afrojack for several months now (hmm…no ulterior motives there I’m sure) made her “big debut” on a house music track by Manufactured Superstars titled “Drunk Text.” And by debut, I mean she performed an idiotic monologue over a beat by Manufactured Superstars.  This song was extremely hard to listen to. You could not pay me to listen to that cacophony again. It’s so terrible that it surpasses the point at which something is so bad it’s comical; it was so bad that I couldn’t even laugh at the ridiculousness of it. There is literally nothing enjoyable about this song. Her “vocals” were clearly intended to be sexy, but in actuality she just sounded like a nasal-y mouse who just inhaled three helium balloons. Today is a sad day for house music. 

If there’s anything worse than Hilton’s voice, it’s the shallow, idiotically sleazy song lyrics. Here are a few of my favorites. 

“It was just a drunk text/In my head I was writing a fiction of us.”

“My mouth kept pouring desperate clauses of random intent.”

“And I say, ‘Sure.’”

“I’m too lazy to type, so I send a photo I took up a dancer’s skirt.”

“No one is safe in the Twittersphere anymore.”

“It’s a hot mess of misspelled obscenities, body parts, and run-on questions.”

“She’s like, ‘this guy wants you to wet your lips with this bottle.’”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

So, yeah…that happened. 

Last year, Paris Hilton took a trip to Ibiza to “train” to be a house music DJ with David Guetta and Afrojack. Not really sure what that “training” actually entailed, but I do know that she is now dating Afrojack and has just been featured on this house music song despite having a dramatic lack of any talent whatsoever. Talk about a woman who knows how to work hard to get what she wants. Paris Hilton “loves” house music. She claims to have been to over 100 raves in a year. I don’t actually think that’s even possible. Here is an excerpt from a TMZ article from last September. 

“We’re told Hilton has become pretty tight with HUGE names like Afrojack and Deadmau5 — and even plans to appear on stage with Deadmau5 in the near future.

One source extremely close to the heiress tells us, Hilton’s been told by the best in the biz she could become the ‘Queen of house music’ — because ‘no woman has ever taken over in that arena’ … and she wants to become that person.

We’re told Paris is researching right now in Ibiza (aka House Music Island) with David Guetta … and is pushing to release the album before the end of the year.”

Wow, what an ignorant and pretentious individual! Late last year, I wrote an article on BANGSTYLE about Paris Hilton dating Afrojack, and here is what I had to say about Hilton’s absurd “aspirations” and why I find her actions to be offensive. 

“As a female DJ and producer who has worked hard to validate the role of female artists in the dance music industry, I find these claims to be not only preposterous, but also offensive. Learning to produce house music is a difficult and time consuming process, and to insinuate that someone with no musical experience (no, Paris, your so-called “singing” does not count) could produce an entire house music album in three months, EVEN with the aid of David Guetta, is an absolute outrage, and it completely undermines the credibility of females in the EDM industry.”

It’s obvious that this washed-up “celebrity” is struggling to remain relevant and has turned to house music. What some people may not know is that just three years ago Paris Hilton committed the ultimate dance music faux pas, complaining to Swedish House Mafia DJ Steve Angello about his DJ set right in the middle of it and asking him to stop what he was doing and play hip-hop, which is one of the most insulting things anyone can ever do to a DJ. Naturally, Steve Angello wasn’t having it and rejected her request, humiliating her. She, of course, went on to act like a total princess on Twitter and whine about how Angello wouldn’t change his entire set for her. Sounds like the “queen of house music” to me. 

Well, Beatportal, the number one online music resource and store for house music DJs, posted an article bashing Paris Hilton’s actions titled “Steve Angello humiliates Paris Hilton, DJs worldwide rejoice.” The article, which can be found here, featured brilliant, spot-on commentary about how absolutely ridiculous, entitled, and idiotic she is. 

“Whatever the truth, the fact is Hilton thought her fame granted her the right to use Steve Angello as her monkey DJ for the night.

How many times have we DJs been requested to play terrible records by clueless self-serving wannabes who want nothing more than to bask in their own glory?

Steve Angello just stood up for himself and his music. He went head-to-head with the biggest celebrity in the world and won. DJs around the world should rejoice.”

Now, here’s where the plot thickens–the people who run Beatport ARE the Manufactured Superstars. That’s right. They went from bashing her–and rightfully so–to selling out and making a song with her!! I’m extremely disappointed. At least I can take solace in the fact that literally everyone I’ve spoken to thinks the song is awful. Because it is. The EDM blogosphere has been buzzing with a collective disapproval. Here’s what prominent house music blog I Can Give You House had to say about the new song and the official music video for it, which apparently was immediately taken down from Youtube due to the terrible reactions to it. Aww, poor Paris! 

“The video, placed on YouTube earlier today, was quickly yanked down after everybody on the Internet freaked out about it. But don’t worry, it went viral. And it’s just as terrible as you’d expect it to be. The track is essentially a low-key electro beat provided by MF Superstars, and Paris Hilton murmurs bizarre phrases over it. Or, as Gawker accurately summarized: ‘Paris Hilton Now Dabbling in Spoken Word Techno Music.’ That’s basically all you need to know. Just watch the video and hate/laugh/be utterly confused away. As Paris says in the track, ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’”

Here’s the official video for the song in it’s traumatizing entirety. 

All I have to say is, Paris, go home. No one wants you here. Except maybe Afrojack, and we all know why that is. Oh, and I know you’re the “Queen of House Music” and all, and I know you’re super qualified, but if you ever want to have a DJ battle, you know where to find me.