Pills Turn Poop Into Gold
Okay, let’s get something out of the way right now: Everybody poops. Yeah, even that hot chick that sits next to you in your Ethics class. In fact, she probably poops double, because she’s super thin and active and eats a lot of leafy vegetables. Don’t get completely turned off just yet, because there is good news! She might poop gold. Okay, I’ll back up and offer you my awesomely weird, gross and hilarious explanation as to why the hell I would ruin your image of (generic girl’s name).
Well, thanks to the miracle of science, there is a pill out that will actually turn your poop into gold. Seriously! A man by the name of Tobias Wong teamed up with J.A.R.K to create the 22mm-long pills, which are filled with 24-karat gold leaf. They promise that using these pills will “turn your innermost parts into chambers of wealth.” Wong first came up with the pills as a part of his INDULGENCES line, which markets the world’s “ever-expanding market of luxury items.” Wong already developed a similar pill with silver in 1998… WTF!? People have been pooping silver for over 10 years thanks to this dude? Where’ve I been? Clearly in the wrong bathroom… While Wong passed away back in June of 2010, his golden dookie pills live on. The pills go for about $425, which is a lot less than I was expecting for something that turns excrement into something… a bit more exciting.
My biggest question is how many people have tried to fish out their poop and done some weirdo at-home gold panning? Would you want your poop to sparkle? Do you think it hurts when the poop… like… comes out? I wonder how many times I can get away with saying “poop” in this article before someone calls me immature. I have a sneaking suspicion the number is much higher than the average person… I’ve done this to myself. I’m not sorry.